Dear Santa,
First of all, let me just say: we all appreciate the hard work you put in every year. You’re the original gig worker, delivering toys worldwide in one night? Legendary. But let’s talk about your post-surgical recovery strategy.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Santa doesn’t get cosmetic surgery!” But if you did—and let’s just say Mrs. Claus might be nudging you toward a little tummy tuck or eye lift after years of cookie consumption and red-suit wear—there are a few things you’d need to change.
First things first: Step away from the cookies.
I know. They’re your brand. But post-op bodies need real nutrition to heal. Do you know what cookies lack? Protein. Vital vitamins. Green stuff. Your cells aren’t going to rebuild themselves on sugar and butter alone, Santa. Let’s swap some of those gingerbread men for grilled chicken, salmon, and maybe a green smoothie or two. (Pro tip: You can sprinkle some crushed candy cane on top for flair.)
Hydration is key—milk doesn’t count.
Look, Santa, milk is great for dunking cookies, but when you’re recovering from surgery, you need water. Lots of it. Picture this: your tissues are crying out like parched reindeer in a desert. Do them a favor and drink at least 8-10 glasses of plain old H2O. Dehydration slows healing, and trust me, you don’t want to end up on my naughty list for not following doctor’s orders.
Say no to sleigh marathons.
Flying around the globe in one night? That’s a recipe for swelling and discomfort if you’ve just had surgery. Post-op, you need rest. I’d recommend outsourcing deliveries to some very capable elves and parking that sleigh for a bit. Elevate your feet (preferably in fuzzy socks), and binge-watch some Hallmark movies with Mrs. Claus.
Ice packs over snowballs.
Santa, I know you live in the North Pole, but let’s use those icy resources wisely. Swelling is normal after surgery, and ice packs can help. Please don’t grab a snowball and slap it on your face. Use a proper cold compress and follow the “20 minutes on, 20 minutes off” rule. (Bonus tip: Don’t put Rudolph in charge of timing—he gets easily distracted.)
Lay off the nog, big guy.
I hate to be the buzzkill nurse here, but alcohol is not your friend after surgery. It dehydrates you, thins your blood, and slows healing. I know you’re all about spreading cheer, but let’s save the eggnog for next year’s party, okay?
Protein bars in your bag, not just toys.
Between climbing chimneys and delivering presents, it’s easy to skip meals, but your body needs fuel to repair itself. Keep a protein bar or some nuts handy for a quick, healing-friendly snack. And no, “candy cane-flavored protein bars” don’t count.
Be nice to yourself.
Santa, I know you’re all about giving, but recovery is your time to receive. Accept help from Mrs. Claus, the elves, or even a professional nurse (like me!). Healing takes time, so let someone else worry about the naughty and nice lists for now.
So, there you have it, Santa—my post-surgical recovery tips just for you. Follow these, and you’ll be back in sleigh-riding shape before the next holiday season. Just… maybe don’t eat all the cookies this time around.
Warm wishes and water bottles,
Your Favorite Post-Surgical Nurses
P.S. If you ever need a concierge nurse for the North Pole, I know a fantastic company. Call me.
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